Noh Quixote (for crapsack/post-apoc worlds)

3rd level knight-errant, Japanese-European ancestry, wears scavenged bits and pieces of old power armor, carries electric lance with a few shots left, a sack full of weapons and supplies. Rides a very dilapidated cyborg horse. Firmly believes that giant robots are everywhere, looking to destroy what is left of humanity, and that they're disguised as buildings, towers, cars, whatever.

He is not wrong.


Electric Lance: Can fire a very, VERY powerful laser as many times as the internal battery allows, usually eight to ten on a full charge, with the last few shots being noticeably weaker than the first. Can easily punch a three foot hole in something up to a mile away at full charge. Fully functional as a mounted combat weapon as well.

Amelia and the Cursed Pirate Curse of Curses. Fuck.

"Cap'n?" Derry said, poking his head into the captain's cabin. Eggar Dewm looked up from his desk, glad for the interruption from meticulously charting the ship's course through upcoming dangerous waters, and gave a slim smile to his bos'n.

"Trouble?" Dewm asked.

"Yer gunna wanna come hav'a look't his, cap'n."



She was a slight of a girl, dressed in clothes like the crew had never seen before. She shivered slightly at the touch of the two men who held her, although their grips were tentative; a woman aboard ship was considered bad luck to an all-male crew, and although they were seasoned buccaneers she was still a child and due a certain amount of care. Dewm approached her and tried his best to look friendly. "What are you doing on my ship, little girl?"

"I don't know!" she almost yelled back. "One minute I was lying in bed, reading an old book, and the next I was lying in a pile of rope and I was on a boat and then these two found me and that guy," she pointed at Derry, who looked sheepish, "ran off to get you and I don't know what's going on!"

She's either insane, Dewm thought, or a horrible liar. "Well, regardless, here you are. And now I'm stuck between the metaphorical rock and hard place as to what to do with you."

Dewm looked at the gathered crew, most of whom came down to see what the hubub was all about, their duties temporarily forgotten so long as the captain didn't remind them. "We all know," he began clasping his hands behind his back and pacing around the girl, "what we do with stowaways. We also know those rules should only apply to those who are in full control of their faculties and aren't lost children. That being said~"

"'Full control of their faculties'?" The girl interjected, suddenly, breaking the captain's train of thought. "What the fuck? I'm not insane! I don't know what happened, that book must have, like, transported me here or something! I just want to go home!"

One of the two crewmen who held the girl shook her, suddenly, without malice but with force. "Ya don' inter'upt tha cap'n!"

Dewm took a moment. "Swearing, my dear, is unladylike and also against the aforementioned rules of my ship. Your behavior is making me reconsider my original plan for you, which was to leave you at the nearest port with a few silver, from my own share of the profit, and put you on your way. Now I'm thinking you're maybe not worth the trouble. Maybe I should just put you ashore and let you figure your own way."

"You can't! I'm not supposed to be here! I have to go to school in the morning, and my mom is probably worried about me, and I'm not even supposed to be here!"

Dewm sighed. "Young lady, I don't care. You're on my ship, you're disrupting my peace and that of my crew, and you're, frankly, beginning to actually annoy me. I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt if you were willing to just accept my terms. Now your arguing has put me into an entirely different mood. Lads, bring her abovedeck."


The girl struggled against her captors but was unable to make much headway in escape or even meaningful release as she was led into the sunlight and out onto the main deck. Many of the crew followed, and Dewm sent Derry with instructions for the quartermaster. At his direction the two men who held the girl led her to the starboard rail of the ship and waited for further instruction.

Derry returned smartly with a bundle from the quartermaster, handing it off to Dewm. As he unwrapped the bundle he wore grim smile, for the quartermaster had given him the pistol taken off the old captain, who had been executed in exactly the same manner. Serendipity.

The pistol was loaded with powder and shot and ready to be primed, which Dewm did as he declared his intent. "Young lady, it pains me greatly to do this but I've decided that, for the sake of my crew and our laws, you have forced me to sentence you to the fullest force in my authority. I predict you would be a burden on us during our journey and not worth the loss of food and prosperity. I would simply pitch you overboard but I'm not without mercy."

The young girl turned her head, before anyone could stop her, and saw Dewm approaching her with pistol held ready. She screamed. She struggled. She cried out and pitched herself about, but the mens' grips remained strong and held her solid. The barrel of the pistol came to rest gently against the back of her skull. Dewm sighed. "Dignity, dear girl. Dignity. May God have mercy upon your immortal soul."

The pistol's report was a dull crack, and the deed was done. When the girl slumped limp, Dewm gestured to the sea and the two men pitched her corpse overboard. Dewm handed the pistol back to Derry, who hurried off to deliver it back to the quartermaster, and addressed the crew.

"This was necessary. You understand why I did it. I chose to forgo the vote, as is my right as captain, for the reasons I've already vocalized. If anyone feels I've overstepped my authority or acted in the wrong, speak up now or forever hold your peace."

The grim faces of the crew told him all he needed to know; all were in agreement that the girl had to go one way or another, and a quick death held the most mercy for her. Dewm could have keelhauled her, or left her to starve, or a myriad other tortures before her inevitable death. Even leaving her in civilization would have been a slow death-sentence for her, if she were as mentally gone as she seemed.

"Alright, lads! Back to work! We've cargo to deliver and coin to earn!"

Summit

Fifteen meters to go, he thought. Just fifteen bloody-arsed meters. There he was with a broken hip, lying on a ledge just beneath the summit. Fifteen. Fucking. Meters. He couldn't move, not that he didn't want to, but his body just refused to obey his orders to get up and climb that last fifteen meters.

Fifteen. Goddamn. Meters. He sat up, the bones of his hip grating together and shooting fresh pain all through him, nearly sending him back into unconsciousness. But he kept up, and kept on, pulling himself upright. One hand after the other he went, slowly dragging his near-useless legs up behind him for the last fifteen shit-fucking meters, hand over hand, no lifeline, no oxygen, just him and the mountain, the mocking, angry, snow-shitting mountain. Fuck this mountain, he thought, as his hand crested the top of the summit ledge and he pulled himself up and back onto solid ground. Fuck it right in the~

There was a tent, complete with electric beacons and a wind-flag, the flap closed against the wind and snow but with light visible from within. Someone was already there. Before him. Hours before him, maybe even days. Fuck this mountain.

He dragged himself up to the tent and barged in, as much as he could with a broken hip and a tenuous grasp on consciousness, to see who had the audacity to be here before him. There, relaxing in a folding chair beside a small space heater, drinking a big mug of something steaming, he sat, warm and cozy in long underwear and not much else. He watched himself look over and catch sight of himself, lying there on the floor, covered in snow and ice, saw the confusion followed by horror in his own eyes.

“What the fuck?” He said. They said. We said. “What the fuck?”

He dropped his drink and stumbled back out of the chair, feeling behind him, desperately, for the ice axe. Meanwhile, he tried to stand and say something coherent, something comforting, knowing that if he was doing what he would do in that situation that there wasn't much time to save himself. “Look, I don't know what's going on, but you have to believe me whe~”

He reached the axe and hefted it, not at all comforted by its weight but driven by the encroaching anger and madness at the audacity of the thing lying before him, wearing his skin and talking in his voice. He approached it as it became more and more furtive in its words, trying desperately to escape before the pick came down with a mortal thud, ending the words with a squelch and spurt. The thing's blood arced, gracefully, from the wound and as muscle function ended with life it collapsed completely, leaking all over the floor of the tent with several different fluids.

Christ, he thought. What the fuck is going on? What is this thing? He removed the axe and looked at his own face, caved in and dead, and knew immediately what he had to do. He quickly donned his gear and, trying to keep himself from gazing too long at his dead counterpart, dragged it out of the tent and to the mountain's edge, where he unceremoniously dumped it over the side, throwing the axe down for good measure. As he turned to leave, though, a slight tremble in the earth gave him sudden and futile warning as the snow beneath him gave way. He fell, not far, landing hard and painfully on a ledge around fifteen meters below. He felt his hip crack and snap on landing, and the pain sent him into a world of blackness.

And thus the war began

Terhookis Terhook ripped a vicious blood-shit all over the rug of the Abanarite Council main chamber, called Supreme Chancellor Sacnoth a 'overrated, one-legged fuck-sphere', then collapsed in upon himself like a meaty black hole and disappeared. As it turned out, Sacnoth wasn't so much offended by the insult as he was terribly upset that the fabric of reality had been altered so drastically and ordered all Terhooks be eradicated, lest they unmake the universe.